It’s nice to be back

It has been almost 6 months since I last posted something on here. A lot happened and a lot has changed in my life since.

This weekend is the 10th without taking drugs. It’s a remarkable achievement for me as in the past I only managed 8 weeks once, in rare occasions 4 to 6 weeks and in most occasions 1 to 3 weeks. Very often I couldn’t go a week without drugs, and it got to the point when, quite a few times, I only managed 2 or 3 days without drugs.

10 weeks without drugs is the longest since my drug addiction started, which was sometime in 2012. Since 2012, I’ve been raped, abused and robbed, quite a few times. But I didn’t learn any lessons and so I carried on. So I was again raped, abused and robbed, quite a few times, not by the same person and not the same person committing all 3. I overdosed and collapsed several times, lost 10kg, lost all my friends, sold my body for sex, lost a job and almost lost another one, damaged my health and the health of my family, missed out on several opportunities for a better life, hurt people that tried to help me, took advantage of people that were kind to me.

Around 3 years ago I established that I needed help, that I could not go on like this. However my road to recovery wasn’t clear until December 2017, when I started discovering why I was in such a mess. How could I, such a bright, resourceful and successful person have managed to reach the bottom to such an extent and almost completely destroy myself physically and mentally?

Since December 2017 I’ve been on a journey of discovering who I really am. As a child, I was raped almost daily for 8 years, I was bullied at school because I was poor, shy and later, gay. During my studies in London I suffered discrimination for being a foreigner and for being again, for being poor. I was quite unfortunate to always end up, in some way or another, in environments with people whose financial situations were far better than mine. At least in some occasions this was my perception. The level of discrimination varied from place to place. My whole life has been one of constant rejection, by my parents, by the people I studied with, by the people who I wanted to be friends with and by all the men I fell in love with (apart from one).

I grew up accustomed to receiving care and attention from those that raped me. Even though their care and attention was aimed at serving their own needs rather than mine, I developed an immense need for this type of care, because it’s the only one I knew. I learned that I could come close to it again by taking drugs. I needed to feed my need for the only type of attention and care I knew.

The journey of learning who I really am has been painful. The more I became aware of what was happening and the more I tried to cope with it, the more prominent the symptoms became: post-traumatic stress disorder, sex addiction, severe anxiety, and more recently, obsessive compulsion disorder, attention deficit, deficient short term memory and constant flashbacks of my childhood.

I say that this is a journey to discovering who I really am. However I’ve discovered nothing. I am not the same person I was before I was a drug addict, so I’ll not try to find that person again. My perceptions have changed completely. I actually don’t think there is anybody there at the moment. I feel like a baby who is learning to speak, to behave, to walk, to learn to control things.

Just over 10 weeks ago, I thought I was going to lose it again. I had started smoking crystal meth. I was enjoying it so much that the weekly binges were starting to come back. Each time my life was getting darker and darker. Even though I was aware that I was aiming back towards hell, that person smoking the pipe didn’t care. I was a walking dead.

After these 10 weeks, I am glad. I thank my psychiatrist, psychologist, drug therapist, Jordan Peterson, Ryan Holiday, Stephen King and my partner. Even though at the moment I think that to live in this world is pointless, I believe it’s only part of the journey. You can’t go to heaven without first going to hell.

It’s nice to be back.