Well honey here comes a lullaby

This week is one of those weeks when I feel like I’ve lost faith in humanity. Recently I’ve been through so many disappointments: my family, my best friends, the dates I had, people that don’t respect my personal space…so many. Of course I have had a good look at myself as the issue is probably right here under my nose, instead of trying to understand what is wrong with all these people.

In the past I used to be very accommodating with people. I only cared about the needs of others and never my own. So whatever they did: upset me, made me cry, cross the red line into my personal space, took something away from me, hurt me, waste my time, rape me, abuse me…it was always ok in the end, I always forgave, I always accepted. I guess that this is because I was raped for the first time when I was 6 years old and had no strength to say no and fight back, so I just had to accept, and that’s how I’ve been treating everything since then, people just hurt me and I accept, I am a good person and I’ll still be their friend.

But now, things are changing, I am not letting this happen anymore. I am learning to kick people out of my life if I think they don’t have our mutual interest in mind, and I guess that this is how I ended up where I am today, without any faith in humanity. There are many other reasons which have led me to this conclusion, and I intend to share these reasons in other posts. But today I have this particular topic in mind: leaning to say no and living with the consequences. I don’t actually have very much to say about it, I just have it in mind.

Today I was listening to this song. It has been a very long time since I last listened to it. I used to play it over and over again when my drug and sex addiction was at its worst, and I cried every time. It was a way of telling myself that things were going to be ok.

Listening to this song again today made me remember how sad  and lost I was, and that today, almost a year late and nearly recovered from the drug and sex addiction, I am still sad and lost, but for different reasons. Today I am learning how to live, to recognise different emotions, to behave in new ways, to speak in a certain manner, like a baby learning to walk and speak, everything is new to me. I just hope that when I have learned the basics, I’ll be wiser and stronger, and will not let anyone ever hurt me again.

Please let me take you
Out of the darkness and into the light
‘Cause I have faith in you
That you’re gonna make it through another night
Stop thinkin’ about the easy way out
There’s no need to go and blow the candle out
Because you’re not done, you’re far too young
And the best is yet to come