That Love Thing

My dreams recently have taken a different pattern.

A few months ago I used to dream that I lived in this very big house. It was massive, and I knew it belonged to me. In the dream I knew that someone else lived in this house. But the house was so big that this person and I never bumped into each other. I also knew that this person was avoiding me on purpose, and that I was scared of meeting him.

I remember a big outdoor space with a swimming pool and view to a beach. I remember standing on the edge of the pool and looking at the sight of the beach above the bright blue coloured reflection from the bottom of the pool. Then I headed towards the enormous hallway with a glass-wall on the left side of the pool. In the middle of the hallway there was a very wide staircase going to the floor below, as if it came from the entrance of the house. There were some gold coloured objects around the hallway which I can’t quite define. I crossed the hall to the other side of the staircase and I knew that the room on the other side of the white brick wall was a big dark room which was right in the middle of the house, and the floor was so deep down that  I knew that if I stepped into that room, I would fall into this really dark space and something horrible would happen. I didn’t know what this room was for or why it was deep and dark, even though it was in my house and I was really scared of it.

I walked along the long handrail of the stair case towards the left corner of the room, where I could see the beach through the glass-wall. There was a door that looked into the dark room. It was open. I looked through the door and I saw another door on the other side of the dark room and a bright white light coming from it. I knew that the other person living in my house was on the other side of that room, and that I had to cross it to get through that door to see that person in the middle of that white bright light. I remember the vague image of the shadow of that person appearing through the door on the other side and it quickly disappeared once it realised I was there. I was too scared to cross it, I never did, and I never found out who that person was.

In describing this dream to my shrink, she suggested that a big house in dreams means that something big is happening in the life of the person dreaming it, like a big turn of events. She also suggested that the person on the other side of the dark room was myself, the real me, that I don’t know who the real me is yet and I am scared of meeting him.

It was in this period that I was starting to understand the trauma I suffered my whole life and the factors that caused it. I was feeling hopeful that I would start to understand myself and live a better life.

I am still in the process of finding out about this person who my shrink was talking about. I’ve had many ups and downs since I had this conversation with her. But I also thought that maybe this person has never actually existed. I started being abused sexually almost daily since the age of 6. At around the age of 8 or 9 I started to realise what was happening and tried to hide, run, resist, cry, and do whatever was within my reach to make sure I wasn’t raped again. But it never worked and my ordeal carried on for many more years. On top of that, my father was distant and alcoholic and my mum was also depressed and also distant.

So after thinking about it in a philosophical way, I established that maybe at the time when a child is developing and establishing its thought patterns and understanding of life, these form that child’s character and part of who that child will become, which is the entity that develops out of all those events since childhood. Providing that there is no significant event in that individual’s life capable of changing the natural flow of the child’s development into adulthood, the “real me” of that child is the result of those developments, as before those developments that “real me” didn’t exist because the child wasn’t aware of its existence.

So I think that what I am today, constantly depressed and wanting to cry, addictive personality, always craving for love, anti-social and a lot more, is who I really am, is the result of the natural flow from the rapes, violence, neglect and discrimination I went through since I became aware of my existence. There was no one else before. There is no other Fernando that I can go back to. This is my only understanding of how life works, I know nothing else. By stripping all these out of me, I am nothing, I am no one. I have to learn to be someone knew, to acquire new thought pattens and understandings. I will never find the real Fernando because he is here with me and I am well aware of his existence, but I hope that I will eventually create a new Fernando, one that is able to ignore fear and judgment, and make wise and reasoned decisions.

Since I had this dream, I kept having different variations of it. In most of the them I wondered around the big house. In the various dreams this house had many lifts, stair cases and shortcuts, and there was an added element of fear compared to the first dream as I was always running away from this unknown person that lived with me. Sometimes the house was falling apart, other times it was new and beautiful.

But recently this pattern has changed again. I few days back I dreamed that I was the real me, a happier version and in my current job. However I was a world famous celebrity who in the past was part of a world famous music band. Think of bigger than the Beatles! I was actually the male version of Victoria Beckham in the Spice Girls. I can’t remember if the other singers in the group were also male, but I remember that I was myself and we were the Spice Girls! (I used to be a big fun in my early teens).

In real life, the first time I saw the Spice Girls sing I was maybe 12. The TV broadcasted their iconic first live performance in Istanbul (iconic for the fans). This show was probably in the mid-1990s. In the dream, there were videos of this shows and they were considered a big classic in pop music history. I am not so sure of the period of the show in the dream, but it was old enough for me to quit the singing career, go to university and start working in financial services (which is what I do in real life).

In the dream, we were still world famous even after the band split up (well, the real Spice Girls are still world famous even after splitting up) and the show in Istanbul for some reason was considered a turning point in the history of pop music.

The dream began when I went to visit a client at his investment firm, and he went to show me a room which looked like half music studio half cinema. In the big screen he started playing the show in Istanbul, and I told him that I was in that band and pointed to the screen showing which one was me, the male version of Victoria Beckham. The video was showing the Spice Girls singing Love Thing, which happens to be my favourite song in that show.

Mate, is that really you? Oh my God! no way…

Yes, it is me!

My God, I can’t believe that I am watching this iconic singer in this iconic show and now he is here, right next to me….

He said something along these lines, I don’t remember the exact words, but I remember what they meant.

The next day I had another similar dream, same studio, but with a different person. This dream is a lot more blurred. I just remember the person I was with, in the same half music studio half cinema room, being impressed that I am a world famous singer. However in this dream I was not part of the Spice Girls. I don’t remember what exactly I was. But I worked in financial services and was mega famous in the past.

In yesterday’s dream I was back in the big house. This time it was a different house and I was visiting the owner. He lived with his wife and kids in a detached Victorian style house, and wanted me to rent the room in the first floor. I went to look at the room and it was enormous! It took over the whole of the first floor. At the top of the steps there was  a space for the bed, and then a massive sitting area in the middle with huge sofas, a massive coffee table made of glass that took almost all the space between the sofas, a bathroom on the other side, and floor to ceiling windows running along either side of the room. The curtains on both sides of the room, the carpet, the sofas and the walls were all white. The bright light from the sun outside lit the whole room. The owner of the house was offering a really cheap rent, I could not believe it.

Then somehow the context changed, it wasn’t just the room, it was the whole house that he was offering. He was going away with his family and had no date to return. I wasn’t sure about it because the house was too big. I decided to tour the house and realised that everything was untidy and dirty, there were cigarette butts and rubbish everywhere, and somehow this made me scared of living in that house. On the first floor I went to open a big window at the back to check the size of the garden. When I opened it I saw that there was a vast land at the back. I could only see grass and trees at the far back. But the grass was full of rubbish. I though it was disgusting, but I also couldn’t believe that all that land belonged to the house. I couldn’t believe I was so lucky but at the same time I was scared of having the house and all that land to myself and having to deal with all that rubbish.

This is how the dream ended. I was happy with the opportunity but scared. I haven’t told my shrink about these dreams yet. But my life right now is going through a very big chang . As it stands today, I cut contact with my family for reasons I’ll explain another time, my best friend did something that I was a huge disappointment to me and he hasn’t contacted me since to apologise, every date I went to and person I met in the last month have been very frustrating, and the other few friends that I have seem to have forgotten that I exist. So I am in a situation where I am alone and I have no one to talk to. Cutting relations with my family was a huge step which really hurt me and left a big wide crack open in  my heart. But it had to be done.

I feel sad, alone and with no purpose in life. I literally have no one to talk to. The only people that contacted me over the weekend (2 of them) are the ones I established I should avoid, because they drawn my energy away. One keeps criticising my recovering process. He says that that the person I am turning into is leaving some nice qualities behind. In his opinion those factors that I recognised as the triggers to my depression and drug abuse are only nice qualities that I should control and the abuse I went through when I was a child I could just forget and get on with life. He called this a debate when I expressed my anger with his opinions. I said that he was being intrusive and crossing a big red line into my private life. The other person goes on and on and on about his problems, his main topic is “me” and when he asks me a question and I start to answer, he quickly turns the conversation back to “me” again. There is nothing wrong with listening to someone’s problems, but I can’t cope with my problems and someone else’s at the same time.

However somewhere in the middle of my loneliness and sadness, there is a very small glint of hope growing, as if I am starting to turn a page in my life. I hope that I am finally starting to take the right decisions, that this is being reflected in my dreams, and that I can finally cross that dark room to the other side of my big house, meet the new Fernando and never run away from him again. I may never become the ultra-famous male version of Victoria Beckham, but I am very ambitious and want to be someone who somehow will have an impact on people’s lives.

Been broken hearted before 
But that’s the last time it happens to me yeah
I keep on giving still you’re asking for more
Too much emotion baby, why can’t you see