I am screwed…

Financially, this is being the most challenging month.

I recently started living by myself, which means that my expenses more than doubled. On top of that, I have thousands worth of debt from the time I was a heavy drug addict when I was reaching out to my overdrafts and credit cards to buy the stuff and to ensure I could survive after that.

I am currently living off my overdraft, or I was until today. I received a messaged this morning from TFL (Transport for London) to say that payment for the travel fare from the previous day had been declined and that I would not be able to use my card until payment was made. I screamed a big fuck in my head and froze for few seconds. How did I manage to get so fucked up in my life despite having a really good job? I started selling some stuff on eBay but for some reason the funds from my first sale are pending! Just give me my fucking money!!!!

For now I’ll have to manage with bits of credit from my credit cards. However it means that as they are close to their limits, the next time interest is applied they will go over the limit, and an over limit charge will be applied, and I get fucked more, long, hard and deep.

Desperate situations call for desperate measures, so I posted on eBay as much stuff as I could, in addition to the stuff that was already there:

  • My Apple Watch, including my collection of 8 straps
  • My Beats 3 Wireless Headphones
  • The 2 necklaces which I bought at the Download Rock Festival in Paris in 2016
  • My Thomas Sabo necklace, which is one of the most precious things I have in life
  • A Vivienne Westwood pendant, which I never use anyway
  • A beautiful stainless steel bracelet from an unknown brand. It was given to me by a random guy at a chill-out party (in London this is when lots of people (or some people) gather at a house party after a club night, take lots of drugs and maybe have sex with each other). The guy said it didn’t really fit him properly. It looks quite expensive.
  • My digital piano 😦
  • Mu mum’s watch 😦 which she gave me when I was last on holidays in Brazil so I could have the batteries changed in London (they don’t have the specific type in the Amazon rain forest). I promise I’ll buy her an even more beautiful watch.

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But everything will be okay very soon. I am due a substantial pay-rise at the end of August and a big bonus in October, which I can use to pay all my debt. But until then, I’ll have to sacrifice my personal belongings so my family in Brazil and myself can survive.

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I also put my body on sale again (I know this is not acceptable, but oh well, my body, tough shit). If you haven’t read it else where, I have worked as a prostitute in the past and when circumstances make it necessary I post an ad online. So now if even my dignity is up for sale there is not much left to sell.

However, there is one thing I have not bought under control. In the last 2 days I bought 6 books! I must have spent around £70 in books, and today I didn’t have money for transport and had to walk to work, and god knows how I’ll get on tomorrow. In the photo below, I am currently reading the 2 books on the left and the ones on the right are the new ones. If I showed you my book shelf you’d see the other 20-30 books which I still need to read.

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I love books, I can’t stop buying them. If I could I’d give up everything and just read books all day. I was looking at Ryan Holiday’s (I love his books) Instagram and it looks like this is exactly what he does, he just reads all day, almost everyday. Of course, he is a book writer, what else would he do other than writing? I want his job!

I don’t feel bad for buying more books and it feels weird that buying books is something that I have to bring under control. I should feel bad for putting myself in this situation in the first place, which started around 5 years ago when my drug addiction started.

Life is just so miserable at the moment. If this was happening last year I’d be lying in bed crying and thinking that it’s so unfair that this is happening to me. I don’t even know if I’ll have food to eat tomorrow. However, this year, I am being treated by a psychiatrist, a psychologist and a drug therapist, and today I stopped and breathed for few minutes and thought to myself “you must make a plan, you must stay in control, you need to be in control to make this happen” and I also remembered the many quotes from Ryan Holidays’ books. I put my plan in practice (eBay and the other stuff about dignity). They may not be the ideal plans but it’s the best I can do today. I know that I will not wake up tomorrow telling myself that I should have done this or that to make things better. I don’t feel depressed. I feel strong like a fighter, so things must be heading in the right direction. I do hope that tomorrow is going to be a better day. Stay safe.

Big hug x