What a day!
In the last two days I’ve been feeling a bit anxious, probably because of a recent event involving my most recent obsession. That feeling of paralysis, not being present, that nothing is worth living, like the days when I was in deep depression, came back a little bit. All too familiar!
I planned to wake up at 5.45am so I could make it to the boxing class at 6.45. Yesterday I only took 50mg of trazodone, the tablet that helps me sleep. I usually take 100mg but I was going to bed late and I didn’t want to run the risk of not waking up on time.
I woke up at fucking 4.30am! After three and an half hours of sleep and a dream where the whole world had been dominated by some bad men and I was hiding in a pretty little house, waiting for the moment to come out, fly out of the window (I had superpowers) and destroy the villains. So why not try to sleep for another hour at least? I don’t few drowsy so the effect of the trazodone had passed already.
After what had felt like a few minutes nap, I wake up at 6.45am! Fuuuucckkkkk! I was so looking forward to the boxing class. When I feel sad I need to exercise, I need to feel pain in my body, I need to feel tired!
But anyway, at least i could get to work earlier.
In the office everything was fine until I went to lunch around 1.30pm. I just had a sandwich and a coffee from Pret-a-manger. I also took 100gm of duloxetine, my tablets for depression and anxiety. 100gm is what I usually take and I heard that it’s actually quite a small dose.
About an hour late I feel that something is not write. I can’t concentrate on my work. I keep going to the loo, my mind keeps wondering off, I can’t stop fidgeting. I am fucking anxious! Why? Why? Why??????
I try to carry on with my work and think about my programme for the night: go to the SLAA meeting. I must go, specially after the small crisis I had yesterday (I’ll tell you another time about this). But I can’t stop fidgeting, I didn’t go to the gym, I want to go to the gym, when am I gonna go to the gym? What should I have for dinner? Anything on my personal email? Fuck that, I am going to the gym!
I ask my boss to leave early.
I need to go home first to pick up my gym kit so I need to leave now.
I go home, I am not feeling right, the anxiety is just increasing, I make small sounds, humming and sucking air in with my mouth as if I was sucking something out of a straw. I usually make these noises when I overdose on coke or GHB and I am about to collapse. Fuck!? I think I overdosed the duloxetine! I remember when I took the pack out of my bag, put on my desk, and got distracted doing something. Then I look at the packed and ask myself whether I had already taken the tablets. I think for about a minute, count the tablets, and assume the quantity is right, so I take it, probably for the second time. So I have 200mg of duloxetine travelling in my blood veins and making me anxious 😦 Shit! Good idea that I am going to the gym, I’ll just sweat it all out.
On the way to the gym and on the tube from Vauxhall, my god! The torture! I can’t stand still. I try closing my eyes and concentrate on the song coming from my headphones. I’ll keep my eyes closed until I have to get off in about ten minutes. My eyes open in after 10 seconds. Fuck! I feel like something inside me is going to explode, and people can probably see that, this strange guy that can’t stop fidgeting. I breath, and breath, five seconds in, five seconds out, and again, I must download headspace on my phone again, I only have to do few minutes a day. Focus on the music, don’t focus on what is around you.
I arrive at Baker Street, head towards the way out, as calm as I can, breath, breath, this time three in and three out, everything will be fine 🙂 I feel like my hands are shaking. There are not many people on the streets, England is playing against Colombia, it’s the World Cup.
As I get nearer the gym I realise how horny I am! I need a man, and I need him now! I look at everything men that walks past me. I feel like I am out of control, I actually feel properly high, like I’ve just snorted a line and the amazing first few seconds.
I arrive at BXR, breath, breath, stay calm. I head towards the changing room, there are some nice men around, in the cafe and in the changing room. Will someone please fuck me? Shit! I am not sure if I like this feeling. The really bad anxiety turned into being high, horny and anxious still. I am going to take two classes, Strength and Tone and Climb to the Beat. I am going to bit the shit out of myself, sweat buckets and everything will be fine by the end when I am completely destroyed and barely able to lift my head.
I need to sleep. Will carry on tomorrow.
Big hug x