Ego is my enemy

I am in Terremolinos, Malaga, on a weekend holiday with a friend. She came to meet 3 other friends that already live here, she is staying at their place and I decided to stay at a hotel. I knew that if I stayed with them, I’d feel isolated once they started to catch up on the 10 years plus since they last saw each other.

Yesterday we spent the afternoon at the beach and had a nice dinner in the evening. Then I went to a gay nightclub by myself, which was a total waste of time. Who will approach and talk to a loner tourist standing in the corner, who is probably a psychopath and who knows what else?

I arrived back at the hotel around 6am and slept until 2pm. My friends decided to visit the city of Malaga and I decided to stay in Terremolinos to maybe go to the beach and do some writing, in the hope that I would also meet someone nice.

I ended up at an Italian restaurant facing a beach in Costa del Sol. I was there writing for the blog and staring at the gay guys who were coming in and out of Eden, a gay beach club just across the road. It’s nice to be able to get on with my writing without being interrupted, until loneliness kicks in.

I had arranged with my friends that once they returned from Malaga they would contact me and we would plan something for the evening. However, around 7pm they messaged saying they were too tired from the trip and decided to stay home, which is great for me?, a whole day, on holidays, alone 😦 but I have been alone on holidays before and truly enjoyed it. But I have changed since this last happened. The psychiatric treatment and sobriety from drugs have made me think more about being alone and why I am alone too often. In the past, loneliness would lead to drug taking followed by depression for few days. Now, I don’t feel like taking drugs, but the loneliness is still there.

I decide to return to the hotel to rest a little bit, and then go out for a late dinner. I feel like I need company, someone to share the night with. Other than the waiter at the gay Italian restaurant by the beach, I haven’t exchanged words with anyone today. My friends told me that I could go to theirs and stay there with them, they are only 5 minutes from my hotel, but I know I’d feel isolated with their conversation like I did yesterday.

I check Grindr, message some guys but nothing moves forward. The ones that I fancy never reply, the ones that message me are not my type, the ones that are my type want to do things that I don’t like. I feel like Grindr represents my downfall, a clear statement and a slap in the face saying that no man want to spend time with me. I don’t actually feel like having sex, I am just crying for some company, someone that is like me and likes the same topics that I do, who likes rock & roll, classical music, philosophy and politics. Is that too much to ask? Probably.

I go out for dinner, ideally I want to find a place where I there is someone nice to talk to, and maybe even take him back to my hotel, have some sex, because that will be the price I have to pay for the company, and cuddle until the morning. I am going for dinner but I am not even hungry, I last had food only a couple of hours ago. But the loneliness and need to find company makes me want to go out.

There are not many places open and those that are, are not busy. I go around the bloc twice looking for somewhere nice, conscious that it’s getting late and restaurants should be closing soon.

Paranoia kicks in. People on the streets are talking about me, “who is this guy wondering the streets, all alone?”. Everybody else seem to be out with friends and there is me, looking for friends. I finally decide to enter in the next restaurant I see. I enter a place called…, I didn’t catch the name, ask what time they close. 1am, it’s 11.30pm, perfect. Only when I am sitting down I realise that there is only one other table with customers, a small group, which soon asks for the bill and leave the restaurant. I sit down, order my food, in a restaurant with a space for around 30-40 people, where I am the only customer, alone again, just what I wanted!? How did this happen?

After my food is served, I have the impression that the only waiter is gossiping with the kitchen chef, laughing something about being able to eat that much (I ordered a huge meal, God knows why), and probably mentioning the fact that I am alone and could be a psychopath.

So here I am, on holidays, Sunday evening, totally alone, which I have been trying to avoid for most of the day, in a empty restaurant. Why do I do that to myself? I could have gone to spend time with my friends. But it feels like the need to be somewhere new, around people I don’t know, and the possibility that I’ll end up being friends with someone new is screaming louder inside my head. This is my ego at work, I must feed my ego, give it acceptance and recognition. Being with my friends feeling isolated won’t feed my ego. Ego is a poison, ego is the enemy. Sometimes I am in control of it, most times I loose control completely., like today

It’s almost 1am, the waiter starts packing up the cutlery from the tables, I am still the only one here, maybe it’s a clear sign that they wish I leave soon so they can end their shift a little bit earlier. What a way to end the day in a beach town! Alone, with a starving ego and mentally kicked out of a restaurant at1am. What else could I ask for?!? I ask for the bill, and the waiter offers me a shot of a traditional local drink which I never bothered to ask the name and I don’t understand when they say it in Spanish. Maybe the waiter is not that bothered with me there, maybe he is just doing his job.

I drink the shot, pay and leave the restaurant. I walk slowly back to the hotel, which is around 10 minutes away. On the way back I text a fuckbuddy who lives in Madrid and ask him to come to Malaga so we can meet. “what???, are you in Malaga? I am going to Brussels tomorrow!” Cancel Brussels, come and see me! “I can’t cancel, I booked the trip 2 months ago, but I want to see you :-)”. No you don’t, you could have gone to London or Malaga, but you chose Brussels. “hahahaha”. Have fun! “I am coming to London in October”. I think about offering him to stay at my place during his stay in October as it’s better now that I live alone. But then, better if I don’t offer, he would probably say yes, we have great times together. But I have this problem that I always give 100% of myself to my friends, and still I end up alone. So I must control myself. If he asks, fine, he knows that I now live alone, if he doesn’t, fine too. This is my ego again in action, always trying to give and expecting acceptance in return.

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I stop at a shop to buy sparkling water. I spot the shelves with wine and I grab a bottle of white wine. A bottle of white wine? What the fuck are you doing???? It’s after 1am, you are alone, you don’t even want to drink alcohol! The white is warm and by the time it reaches an acceptable temperature you’ll be asleep! I don’t even have a freezer in my room to make it cool faster. But I buy it anyway. It feels like my last hope is to create a situation where I am accepted, one last attempt to feed my ego. “I went for dinner last night and then bought a bottle of wine and drunk it back in my room at the hotel” would be the perfect description to someone about the end of today.

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I am back in my room now, wine in the fridge, belly almost exploding with so much food, alone, with a hungry ego that tonight I failed to control, or maybe I just gave up trying to control it. I feel like a no one, who doesn’t deserve any acceptance, who should just sink into the world of loneliness and shut up.Big hug xx

Fernando

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