My misery is just getting bigger

On Thursday 26th April, I was feeling ok. 5hrs sleep is not too bad. Last night I wasn’t sure whether I should have taken Nytol or Trazodone. I went for Nytol in the end. Trazodone was prescribed by my psychiatrist but it wipes me out completely and in the mornings, I look like a zombie. Nytol is a lot less strong, so maybe a good alternative when I know I can’t sleep for more than 5hrs.

I made a promise to myself the night before, that I would not send any messages on WhatsApp, unless I had to respond to someone, and that I would not look for sex. I broke the second promise few minutes after I got up. My God I was so horny. I started chatting to some guys from FabSwingers. One wanted to come around at 9.30am but I had to go to work, and another one said we’d meet in the evening.

The trip to work was kind of hell. Why am I so horny? I feel a kind of pressure inside my head, almost as if it was speaking to me and saying “if you don’t fuck now you might as well kill yourself”. At work, I was a little bit more controlled. I did check the dating sites but not as much as I did on Wednesday.

I went to kickboxing class after work, feeling very depressed. But why? I like the kickboxing class so much! Before the class I sat in the café for a bit and, as usual, stared at what people around me were doing. Rich girls being spoilt girls, chunky muscled guys talking about an exercise as if it was the most amazing thing in the world, teenagers screaming because they bumped into a friend that they only last saw yesterday, everybody feeding their egos, and me hating everyone and hating life. Am I jealous? Because my life has always been about staring at other people and wondering why they have material things that I don’t have? Or am I trying to place myself above them? But how? Am I smarter? I don’t know them to judge, but deep down I am judging anyway. What is it that gives me the feeling that I am above them? Why do I feel special in some way? I think the answer is that I must feed my ego in some way, like everybody does. The way each person feeds their ego depends on their particular circumstance, and this is my way of doing this. I am special, in my head, I must be.

The kickboxing instructor arrives, doesn’t acknowledge me as I would expect, class starts, there is a new girl. He gives her his full attention during the class as she is a potential personal training client, and some of the other attendants also get some attention, apart from me. He realised long time ago that I won’t be his personal training client (in other words, he realised that I am poor and can’t afford the £90 per session), or maybe my existence doesn’t even cross his mind. I have a crush on him, big one, but I noticed from his Instagram that he has a fiancée and is deeply in love, so I crossed him off my list of potential obsessions I hear him towards me “relax…relax…”, fuck you! I keep looking through the glass outside the studio, wondering what is happening, who is in the corridor, who is arriving and who is leaving? Is there anyone that might like me, and see me boxing from outside and see that I am amazing? Why am I such a looser? I must plan a day when I’ll come to class and not wonder what is happening outside the studio.

Later, he came to give me a quick correction, I acknowledged the correction without looking at his face. I wanted him to see that I don’t give a fuck about him and his class, so then he would wonder why I don’t seem to care and maybe become my friend and maybe realise he loves me and can’t live without me. This is an old trick of mine, which only ever worked when I was in primary school. The class finishes, he happily chats to some people and doesn’t acknowledge me whilst I leave. Why am I not used to this? It’s been 33 years!

I go home as miserable as fuck, buy a bottle of wine because I am miserable and don’t care, start writing this post and when I can’t be bothered anymore I start to get ready to bed. Throughout all this I look for sex, I desperately look for sex. The guy who in the morning said that we’d meet in the evening decides to ignore my messages. I refresh the Inbox page several times in the hope he’d message. I met this guy once a couple of months ago, I’ve been thinking of him since. I am concerned this is a new obsession. I am very concerned! THIS MUST STOP! I need to work, I need to make money, I need to live life, I must stop being obsessed with people that don’t give a fuck about me. My whole life has been shaped by my obsessions. On top of that there is my desperate search for sex, I won’t go 5 minutes without checking my phone to see if there is new message or someone nearby who I could message and offer sex.

I wonder if I should go to the SLAA meeting on Saturday. I must try to engage with SLAA, I can’t carry on like this. I thought I was going to be fine now that I am almost drug free and I start to be myself again. But this is what myself is like, before drugs I was the same psychopath about sex and unavailable men.

Friday is a good day at work. I took trazodone the night before and slept 7-8hrs, I feel so energised and edgy, which is not such a good thing because it shows my anxiety and I say things I wouldn’t normally say. Then in the evening I have a date, which is ok and not worth mentioning here. Sex was crap, so I wasn’t happy.

I spent the whole of Saturday alone. I had a hard gym session (feeling a little bit happier, despite only have slept around 4hrs). When I arrive home I prepare a to do list (it’s my way of remaining in control). 13 tasks in total, and I MUST NOT LOOK FOR SEX! Which of course I ignore. However, it’s 10.20pm now and I am in the 7th task. This is amazing! Usually because I keep looking for sex, procrastinating and being an imbecile, I never get past the second task. However today I was still looking for sex, procrastinating and being an imbecile, which means that maybe I could already have completed all 13 tasks had I not been looking for sex, procrastinating and an imbecile. It’s a real drama, I am trying to focus on reading and suddenly, 3 seconds after telling myself that I will not check my phone, there I go to check my phone, and look for sex, and check that guy’s profile who might be my next obsession. Oh, God! Will I ever be normal?

I ignored messages from all my friends, I don’t want to see them. My ideal weekend is one where I spent hours reading, writing, researching, working, going to the gym, being productive, which is what I am doing today, despite the whole procrastination. I am doing all this, today and right now, so why do I still feel miserable and hopeless? What am I looking for? Why am I so lost?

I must focus and get to task 13, and then start a new to do list.

Just to let you know I am going to the gym at midnight, because… I don’t know, I just want to go, for the second time today.

The pic below I took when I was visiting my family in Brazil last month. The cat is called Munhóz. I look at him a lot and wonder, what other worries does he have in his mind other than being hungry? Does he care that nobody at home cares about him, that he is ignored most of the day, and kicked out at night and so he has to sleep on the streets? There is a scientific theory that says animals, such as cats, have no sense of self. They want food because their body feels hungry, but there isn’t the thought of “I am hungry and therefore I need to eat”. Isn’t that a weird thing that a moving body that eats, sleeps, breaths, walks and makes noise, just like us, has no sense of self and no worries to stress about because worries, in their world, don’t exist. I don’t believe this. There must be something, there is no human being in the world with absolute certainly about any particular subject who can claim with certainty that cats have no sense of self. I here is the sudden end to this post.

Big hug

Fernando xx