Should I go to bed?

Today has been a very hectic day and I think the plan in my subconscious is that I won’t sleep. It’s 2.44am, I have my therapy at 8am, which means I have to wake up at 6.45am (or maybe start to get ready in case I don’t sleep). In each of the last three weeks there has been a day in each week where I didn’t sleep, because I had things to do, or was too excited to be in my new flat, or was looking for sex without any luck, or just being an idiot procrastinating. Maybe this is my new habit, once a week don’t sleep for 48 hours.

I wanted to publish a very nice story today but it may be too much for my head to get all philosophical at this time of the night. However, I can still describe how I felt today because today was a weird day. Actually I could start with yesterday.

Yesterday I was feeling quite anxious and manic, and it carried on today, although not as bad. I’ve been a bit paranoid, as if under constant threat and something is about to happen. I have been sober for eight weeks (I am a drug addict) and I haven’t been sober for this much time in…I don’t even remember, maybe 5 years! I think sobriety is bringing back feelings which I used to have before but were somehow hiding behind my drug taking habits. Since childhood until my early twenties, I was always in environments where I was excluded, either because of my sexuality (I am gay) or because I was very poor, and the feeling of being excluded is back, even though I have an amazing job and with my salary I can do things that not many people can, like go on holidays several times a year and rent an expensive flat (small flat though, this is London after all). I have an extremely fit body and some people think my looks are stunning. But still, I have this feeling that people are talking about me, or that I am being followed, or that everybody is rejecting me. I know this is not real, but I can’t control. Anyway, this is topic for my therapy in a few hours.

Tomorrow I’ll show my therapist the letter I wrote to Diogo (see main Menu above), I hope she won’t make me cry talking about it, and then I’ll have an extremely busy day at work. One other thing I’ll discuss with my therapist is my libido, which came back like a storm. I am so horny at the moment and all the time that I’ve been having sex with the type of people I would never imagine I would touch (more about this on another post, if I remember). Everywhere I go ,the tube, the supermarket, the streets, the shops, I look at every men thinking what it would be like having sex with them. How do I control this? Anyway, another one for my therapist tomorrow.

I hope that tomorrow I can get through the day without being tired, that I procrastinate less and don’t focus so much on trying to find sex (just trying really because I hardly find it). I also hope that nobody at work will try to start a conversation with me, because I’ll be tired and I don’t like talking to them anyway.

My intention was to post something really interesting, I have a list of topics which I want to share. But the above will do for today.

By the way, the featured image has no relationship to what i am writing, I just found it…not sure…somehow interesting.

Good night,

Fernando