I don’t feel I am myself these days, and today was particularly difficult. Maybe it was the conversation during the therapy session that made me feel like this Or maybe I am just messed up.
During the session we kind of established what the main issue is. I am 33 years old and most of my life I was in a environment where I was either rejected or abused. Between the ages of 6-7 and 14 I was sexually abused by 3 men, several times. I was maybe sexually abused close to a thousand times, if not more. I was a child, so was’t really counting. But it happened almost every day. My childhood is full of memories of the days I was trying to escape from being abused. I was also in an environment at school where I was excluded. The school was full of rich kids and I was very poor. At home, my mum was too stressed and depressed dealing with my dad’s cheating and lack of care for his family, so nobody noticed I was being abused daily. Then I moved to London at the age of 16 where I went to a dance school, again full of rich kids, some of which had never had contact with a non-english speaker before. In the beginning they looked terrified when I tried to make a conversation, and then they got used to it but nevertheless they avoided being my friends. Throughout this period I was hiding my homosexuality. I won’t go on about all this right now. But today the conversation at the therapy was about being excluded and rejected all this time, and now I have this feeling inside me that is screaming for acceptance.
Last night I did’t sleep. I was working and then doing some unimportant stuff until around 4am. This included looking for sex. My libido right now is so high that I feel I am losing control. Every men I look at, from the moment I step out on the street in the morning to the moment I arrive home in the evening, I imagine what it would be like to have sex with every men I look at. I can’t stop looking at dating sites looking to get laid. The problem is that there is very little response. Why is it that I flirt with almost every guy that walks past me, I message almost every guy I see online, and I get very little response? I don’t think I am ugly, but maybe it’s so prominent that I am in need of sex that people think I am weird and decide to ignore me. I think I am going crazy.
I haven’t slept for 48hrs, I tried to take a nap earlier but didn’t succeed. I am anxious, paranoid, lonely, horny, tired, there is so much going on it’s unreal. There are a million things going through my head at the moment.
I discussed with my therapist that my mind is constantly is this imaginary world, and I ignore reality, and then when I face reality it feels uncomfortable. I don’t know what to do. I have a good job and great friends, why do I feel like this?
My therapist said that I need to realised what my needs are, rather then worrying about the needs of other people. This is a very long story which needs to be explained another time. But I am tired of asking, asking people for sex, to go to the cinema with me, on holidays, to the theatre…I am tired of asking people and not being asked. My day consists of looking at other people and wondering what they think of me: do they fancy me, are they looking at my clothes, do they even acknowledge I exist? This is so tiring. Why can’t I just live the moment?
As mentioned in the previous post, it has been 8 weeks since I last had a binge (2-3 days having sex and taking lots of drugs, no sleep, no food). 8 weeks without a binge hasn’t happened in 3-4 years. I guess that now certain feelings which I had before are coming back and I don’t know how to cope with them anymore, or at least I have to learn again.
I feel so lonely. I am in a new flat, my first flat. I am living by myself for the first time. For the first time I have my own bed! But I am not sure I am enjoying loneliness. When I am alone I think too much about life or I am plotting my imaginary world.
The thing is I am loving being by myself, my own place, it’s just amazing. I think the loneliness issue is because I don’t have a tv yet (long story), so there is nothing to distract me. So I have to tune into the tv inside my mind. How stupid? Children starving in Africa and I am complaining about tv!
Hopefully next post I’ll say something more meaningful.
Have a good night!
Big hug x